Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Pants are for mortals
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
