Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
