There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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