I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
