Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
