Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
