I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
