had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize