Do vagina's smell?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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