the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
