I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
