so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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