I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
