Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
