My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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