Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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