I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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