wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Every concussion has its silver lining
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
