I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
