I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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