Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
