Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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