can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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