God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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