Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
