did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
