i was born a porn star she said
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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