I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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