so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
