I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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