He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
