Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
