We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I smell like Dick and happiness
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
