I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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