I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize