The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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