i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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