I can text with my tongue
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
