Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
