Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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