all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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