So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
