I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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