Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
