She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize