i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
