Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
