Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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