R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
