worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
