Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
