i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
