So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
