his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
