if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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