I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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