thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
