my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
