Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
