I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize